I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
