I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
