im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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