i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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