drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
