You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
