my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
