your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
