i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
