i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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