Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
