I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
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