It's Friday. Sex?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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