Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
