bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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