john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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