What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
