I look better un-naked...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
