I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Less talking, more tequila
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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