Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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