were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Randomize
