I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize