Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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