There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize