Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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