I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
