kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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