i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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