my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
