Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
