Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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