I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
