Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
