My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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