so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
