even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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