Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
