pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
