Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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