Why does Corona taste like a burp?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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