omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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