My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
