if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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