my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I think my fart just growled at me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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