Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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