TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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