Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
