What a fucking waste of an outfit
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
