Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I think i got beer on your cat.
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