He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
