ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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