It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize