its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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