Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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