I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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