Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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