He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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