I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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