After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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