If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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