i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
