nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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