I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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