So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
