Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
