I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
