I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
