I think I just saw someone hide a body.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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