If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
