i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
