Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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