Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
