Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
