Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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